What's Wrong with Strict Parenting?
Research shows that
most people think strict parenting produces better-behaved kids. However,
research studies on discipline consistently show that strict, or authoritarian,
child-raising actually produces kids with lower self esteem who behave worse
than other kids -- and therefore get punished more! Strict parenting actually
creates behavior problems in children. Why?
1.
Strict parenting deprives kids of the opportunity to internalize
self-discipline and responsibility.
Harsh limits may temporarily control
behavior, but they don’t help a child learn to self-regulate. Instead, harsh
limits trigger a resistance to taking responsibility for themselves. There is
no internal tool more valuable for kids than self-discipline, but it develops
from the internalization of loving limits. No one likes to be controlled, so
it's not surprising that kids reject limits that aren't empathic. They see the
"locus of control" outside of themselves, rather than WANTING to
behave.
2. Authoritarian parenting -- limits without empathy -- is based
on fear. It teaches kids to bully.
Kids learn what they live and what you
model, right? Well, if kids do what you want because they fear you, how is that
different than bullying? If you yell, they'll yell. If you use force, they'll
use force.
3. Kids raised with punitive discipline have tendencies toward
anger and depression.
That's because authoritarian child
raising makes it clear to kids that part of them is not acceptable, and that
parents aren't there to help them learn to cope and manage those difficult
feelings that drive them to act out. They're left lonely, trying to sort out
for themselves how to overcome their "lesser" impulses.
4. Kids raised with strict discipline learn that power is always
right.
They learn to obey, but they don't learn
to think for themselves. Later in life, they won't question authority when they
should. They're less likely to take responsibility for their actions and more
willing to follow the peer group, or to dodge responsibility by saying that
they were only trying to “follow orders.”
5. Kids raised with harsh discipline tend to be more rebellious.
Studies show that children raised with a
strict parenting style tend to be more angry and rebellious as teenagers and
young adults. To see why, simply consider how this works for most adults.
Virtually all of us were raised with some degree of harshness, and we chafe at
control to that degree -- even when we're the ones imposing it! That means we
end up with problems regulating ourselves. Sometimes this shows up as anger and
resentfulness at any perceived limit or criticism, or by over-reacting when we
think someone is trying to tell us what to do. Sometimes it shows up in
rebellion against the limits we impose on ourselves. For instance, we may
harshly starve ourselves with a new diet and then rebel by binging. (Not
surprisingly, studies show that kids raised with strict parenting are more
likely to become overweight!)
6. Because kids raised strictly only "do right" when
we're there, they get into more trouble.
They also become excellent liars.
7. Authoritarian Parenting undermines the parent-child
relationship.
Parents who relate punitively to their
kids have to cut off their natural empathy for their children, which makes the
relationship less satisfying to both parent and child. Parenting also becomes
much harder for these parents because their kids lose interest in pleasing them
and become much more difficult to manage. So strict parenting makes for unhappy
parents. And children who are parented strictly end up fighting with parents
and carrying a chip on their shoulder. As they get older, they look for love in
all the wrong places.
The bottom line is that strictness does
not work in creating better-behaved kids; in fact, it sabotages everything
positive we do as parents and handicaps our kids in their efforts to develop
emotional self-discipline.
What's Wrong with
Permissive Parenting?
Most parents hate
the idea of causing their child to get upset. They don’t want to incite a
tantrum, and they certainly don’t want their child to be angry at them. Haven't
we all felt that way? Besides, it's so hard to know whether what we're asking
is developmentally reasonable. And we're so tired!
But setting limits is an important part of good parenting. Infants'
wants are identical to their needs. But over time, that changes. Toddlers'
wants are often in direct opposition to their long-term developmental needs and
safety. When parents don't make that developmental leap and learn to set
limits, their children don't develop the ability to tolerate frustration or to
manage themselves. These children are often referred to by others as “spoiled.”
What the research shows is that when we don't set limits, kids have fewer
opportunities to develop self discipline.
So I believe that kids do need limits
for healthy emotional development. Not unreasonable limits, and definitely
empathic limits in the context of a strong parent-child connection, but kids do
need appropriate limits. When parents don't set limits, here's what happens:
1. The parents grant desires that should not be granted and have
harmful consequences,
...such as, for example, regularly
staying up too late, which results in a cranky and exhausted child who is not
up to normal age-appropriate developmental tasks. Not only is the child less
pleasant to live with, but the child's self esteem suffers because she can't
manage things as other kids do.
2. The child’s desires are met at the expense of someone else:
a sibling, the parent, the restaurant
where the family has gone to dinner, etc. Beyond the impact on the sibling or
the restaurant or the parent, this is bad for the child. She learns that she
always gets her way in relationships, which of course will make it hard for her
to make friends or have satisfying romantic relationships eventually. This is
why we think of kids raised permissively as "self centered" or
"spoiled."
3. The child learns that disappointment and sadness are
intolerable,
...when she realizes on some level that
her parents will do almost anything not to let her experience disappointment.
She then spends the rest of her life doing whatever is necessary to avoid
feeling what she fears will be unbearable. Fending off disappointment will
necessitate her doing things that end up being destructive to her – possibly
including, for instance, avoiding all risks, insisting that she must have her
way, or cheating to win. Because she never learns to feel comfortable with her
more challenging feelings, she has low EQ -- emotional intelligence.
4. The child never learns to lovingly impose limits on herself,
...which is a crucial self management
skill for adulthood or even for high school. She therefore never develops
self-discipline and thus cannot work at goals, a necessary part of creating a
happy life. So permissive parenting sabotages her ability to achieve in life.
5. The child never learns that happiness is not derived from
wish fulfillment
and having one desire after another met,
but can in fact be maintained in the face of disappointment. He is likely to
spend his life pursuing one “thing” after another that he thinks will make him
happy, but find that happiness eludes him.
6. The child has a much harder time developing stable internal
happiness
...that is not dependent on outside
circumstance, because she has a harder time developing deep positive regard for
herself. What does that mean?
Stable internal happiness comes, most
simply, from having one’s full range of self accepted and understood, including
one’s angry, sad, disappointed self. Parents who act like that part of the
child is to be avoided give the message that part of the child’s self is
unacceptable. The takeaway for kids is that they are not fully lovable.
7. Kids need to know that their parents have a different role
than they do, which includes keeping them safe.
When people say “Kids will keep pushing
till they find the limits,” this is what they mean. Kids want limits because
they want someone to be in charge. It’s pretty terrifying to a child to think
that no one is in charge, protecting them from what can be a terrifying world.
8. Permissive parents make constant compromises about things
that are important to them.
For instance, they may let their child
treat them badly. Or they may let their child over-indulge in screen time
addictions rather than focusing on school work, even though they know it
sabotages their child's academic learning. These compromises make parenting
much less rewarding, because the parent sacrifices expectations that are
important to them -- and would be beneficial to their child.
9. The permissive parenting style undermines the parent-child
relationship.
When children can't trust that parents
can help them with the full range of their emotions, they don't feel connected
to the parent. When a child doesn't trust that parents will enforce rules that
keep the child healthy and safe ("Ok, I guess you don't have to wear your
bike helmet if it makes you that unhappy....Ok, I guess you can spend the night
at that party without the parents there") the child disrespects the parent
and becomes more challenging, looking for limits (and proof that he's actually
loved.) When a child mistreats the parent, naturally the parent gets angry and
resentful and is less nurturing to the child.
But strict limit-setting, that doesn't offer kids empathy, is just as bad as permissive parenting. Kids thrive
when limits are set with empathy.
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